Please don't read this and think that I'm writing to share what I have already attained. Far from it. I am writing about the lack, the giant gaping hole I have begun to recognize in my life and my relationship with G*d.
..............We know that we are to love G*d. And we know that He uses human relationships to model what our relationship to Him is to be. So what does love look like in my life? I love my family. I love my friends. There is a constancy in that love, and a sense of safety. My family especially has seen me at times of my life that I hate to recall. They have received the worst of my anger, pettiness, dishonesty, weakness, and pride. But despite all that, I never fear that they will stop loving me. I am secure in their love, as I am secure in His.
But though G*d identifies Himself as both our Father and our friend, that is not all. He is also the bridegroom. But that is something I have never experienced. I've never even dated anyone. So what am I to do with that? I have been thinking about this quite a bit since this summer. And while I have never been in such a relationship to experience both sides of it, I realized that I do have a certain familiarity with one side of the equation. And that's the side I need to focus on right now anyway, because it's the part that is up to me. I know He loves me. But how am I to love Him?
Forgive the seeming irreverence, but I need to have a crush on G*d.
What is it like to have a crush? Ahh, now that is one thing I know all too well. I seek out his presence. I want to spend as much time with him as I can. I want to know him and be known. I want to earn his approval, to look beautiful, to say and do the right thing. I want to show the best version of myself, or even better. I want to see him smile and know it's just for me. When he's not around I think about him and talk about him. I tabulate his charms and virtues. I admire him and strive to be someone that he might admire.
That is how it should be with G*d. I should crave His presence, and seek it out
as often as possible. I should delight
in reading His word and learning more of who He is. I should strive to be pleasing and beautiful
to Him, to be even better than I really am, because He's worth it. When I have a crush, it's hard for me to shut
up about him (my poor friends!). How then,
should I talk of G*d, who is infinitely more worthy? I should dwell on His virtues and benefits,
and strive to be the person He intended me to be, the person I know He still
sees when He looks at me.
And what is the return on this? As I said, I know one side of this equation
very well, but have yet to experience the other. I know what I want in a husband, the deepest
desires of my heart. And while I know
that no man, no matter how good, will ever be able to be all this for me, I
know that G*d can and will be. He knows
me better than I know myself. He knows the depth and
magnitude of my sin in a way that I can't even comprehend, and yet He loves me
passionately anyway. At the same time,
He sees good in me even when I don't see it, and He works to draw it out. He sees the woman He meant me to be. He protects me from my enemies, and takes
care of me. He comforts me in my grief
and rejoices with me in my joy.
And, well, this last part was hard for me to learn, but
profound.
He thinks I am
beautiful Heartbreakingly so. He craves my presence. He longs for us to be one. He loves me as I have always longed to be
loved. Completely. Unreservedly.
Passionately. Unendingly.
In the words of Charles Wesley's classic hymn, He is the true lover of my soul.
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