A Willing Heart

The first time I went overseas with ESI, it was a fairly straightforward proposition. I felt specifically called to Kazakhstan, I requested to be placed there, and I was. When I felt called to return for another year only to a different school, I did. When I felt Him calling me back to America, I went. Done.

After two years in Houston, I was excited to realize that I was being called to return. But this time the road had a few twists and turns in it. As you may remember, at first I asked to return to Karaganda. When it became obvious that I wouldn't be able to get a visa, they decided to put me on the team going to Azerbaijan. Then, only a few days before leaving Houston, my regional director called me and asked how I felt about Russia. As I mentioned in my last post, this time around has been a similar journey. From Vologda to St. Pete to Karaganda in only a few short weeks! It's enough to make my head spin (and it did!). But I don't doubt that it is His will, and so of course I said okay. So far so good. That was the easy part. The struggle that follows is much more subtle and prolonged.

This year in Russia was very hard at times, particularly first semester. This was due to several factors, but the one I recognized first was a kind of culture shock, only not from America- I was homesick for Kazakhstan and the life and work I'd had there. Even the littlest things threw me off. But rather than focusing on the symptoms, allow me to go straight to the root of the problem (something that took several months to do when I was actually in the middle of it): I was willing to submit to God in a moment, when they asked me to go to Russia. But in the long term, wearing-down process of submitting all my expectations and warm memories of how it was "in Kazakhstan," I folded. For months it kept me in a fog, making it difficult to grow attached to the places or people in front of me. How much did I lose to that? Now, having grown to love the city and so many dear friends and students, I mourn the loss of those months that could have been spent building deeper friendships and enjoying their company.

Now I find myself in a similar situation. Having grown to love Russia and so many people there, I am sad to leave them. Even to return to another country that I love. There's also the added difficulty that I have been to Karaganda before so, to a certain extent, I know what to expect. And anyone in ESI knows that expectations are just about the worst thing you can have going overseas. I am so worried that I will do the same thing again- that I will allow my memories of how it was to mar my experience of how it is.

This year is going to be completely different. Our team will be different. Our students will be different. Even the city itself will be different (I haven't been there in 3 years, and I've heard of all kinds of changes). I need the willingness to embrace the year that He has planned for me, not the year I remember or think it will be. I need the courage and strength to give up all those ideas and expect nothing except that He will be with me and that that will be enough.

This is not a battle that can be fought and won in one fell swoop. I don't know how many times I will have to lay my expectations down before I stop picking them back up again. It won't come easily. But it will be worth it.

If you would like to join me in lifting this up, I would appreciate it. I could use all the help I can get!